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"So, do you live around here often?"   Life
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire...   Life
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.   Life
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs ...   Life
Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll g...   Life
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.   Life
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.   Life
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?   Life
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he jus...   Life
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up ...   Life
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get ...   Life
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.   Life
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them i...   Life
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you c...   Life
He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? H...   Life
How young can you die of old age?   Life
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and w...   Life
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gif...   Life
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.   Funny
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to ...   Life
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks h...   Funny
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway inste...   Life
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.   Life
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar b...   Life
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now whe...   Life
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.   Life
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Informati...   Life
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to ...   Life
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the...   Life
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.   Life
I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down ...   Life
I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once i...   Life
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leav...   Life
I have an existential map. It has You are here written all over it.   Life
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all t...   Life
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit t...   Life
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me...   Life
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.   Funny
I invented the cordless extension cord.   Life
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.   Life
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I ...   Life
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if...   Life
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was ...   Life
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going...   Life
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.   Life
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now ...   Life
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.   Life
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks li...   Life
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much t...   Life
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.   Life
I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.   Life
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speedi...   Life
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere n...   Life
I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I orde...   Life
I was born by Caesarean section, but you can't really tell... except t...   Life
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So ...   Life
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything...   Life
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.   Life
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ra...   Life
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier t...   Life
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the g...   Life
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk sai...   Life
I went to a cafe that advertised breakfast anytime, so I ordered Frenc...   Life
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specif...   Life
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifica...   Life
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I order...   Life
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "Wha...   Life
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the st...   Life
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet...   Life
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If ...   Life
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.   Life
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song o...   Life
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...   Life
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.   Life
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.   Life
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract....   Life
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?   Life
If God dropped acid, would he see people?   Life
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?   Life
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their ...   Life
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and...   Life
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.   Life
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?   Life
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?   Life
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?   Life
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?   Life
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette whee...   Life
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?   Life
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always r...   Life
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room tempe...   Life
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just...   Life
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.   Life
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a fu...   Life
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything wi...   Life
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around a...   Life
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...   Life
My friend invented Cliff's Notes. When I asked him how he got such a g...   Life
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.   Life
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartmen...   Life
My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in th...   Life
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.   Life
On the other hand, you have different fingers.   Life
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satell...   Life
One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been ...   Life
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.   Life
Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.   Life
Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his...   Life
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deepe...   Life
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. No...   Life
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.   Life
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit sta...   Life
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barn...   Life
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty peopl...   Life
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore lik...   Life
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the...   Life
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.   Life
What's another word for Thesaurus?   Life
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.   Life
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parkin...   Life
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in ...   Life
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have a...   Life
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I w...   Life
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any fi...   Life
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet fo...   Life
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep goo...   Life
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.   Life
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy...   Life
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?   Life