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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick b... - Emo Philips
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. - Bob Hope
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need th... - Bill Cosby
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's ... - Jay Leno
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it ... - Oprah Winfrey
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been m... - Lily Tomlin
I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally. - W. C. Fields
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. - Steven Wright
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks h... - Steven Wright
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden na... - Paula Poundstone
I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they... - Samuel Goldwyn
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve... - Woody Allen
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. - Steven Wright
I rant, therefore I am. - Dennis Miller
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. - Groucho Marx
I spent a year in that town, one Sunday. - George Burns
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. - Joan Rivers
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? - Lily Tomlin
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library... - Lily Tomlin
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. - Rita Rudner
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if ... - Dave Barry
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. - Woody Allen
My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic. - Spike Milligan
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. Sh... - Ellen DeGeneres
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an ... - Ellen DeGeneres
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. - W. C. Fields
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. - Fred Allen
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and v... - Dave Barry
There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them. - Casey Stengel
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. - Mark Twain
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not... - Albert Einstein
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. - George Carlin
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? - George Carlin
What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement? - Fred Allen
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When yo... - Albert Einstein
You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog. - Harry S. Truman
You're only has good as your last haircut. - Fran Lebowitz