What Quote » Director Quotes » Quotes by Woody Allen »

A ''Bay Area Bisexual'' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of...   Life
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with...   Life
And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into a...   Life
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so...   Life
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd c...   Life
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday ni...   Life
Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get ...   Life
Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama i...   Life
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. ...   Life
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.   Life
Eighty percent of success is showing up.   Life
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.   Life
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an...   Life
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly devel...   Life
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in...   Life
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happen...   Life
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.   Life
I am two with nature.   Nature
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it'...   Life
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of ...   Life
I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do i...   Life
I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I-I have a tende...   Life
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my cr...   Life
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve...   Funny
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.   Life
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally distur...   Life
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two ...   Life
I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!   Life
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.   Life
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.   Life
I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then ...   Life
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes...   Life
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked ...   Life
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile ...   Life
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I lo...   Life
I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year... for cheating on my meta...   Life
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. De...   Life
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be bea...   Life
I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a me...   Life
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard...   Life
I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.   Life
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.   Life
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbe...   Life
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.   Life
If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But...   Life
If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.   Life
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my j...   Life
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit...   Life
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.   Life
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doin...   Life
In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it ...   Life
In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into...   Life
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.   Life
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This ...   Life
Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.   Life
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry...   Life
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certain...   Life
It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty bi...   Life
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry ...   Life
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it...   Life
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.   Life
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.   Life
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over ...   Life
Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raise...   Life
Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has mo...   Life
Marriage is the death of hope.   Life
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.   Funny
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One p...   Life
More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path lea...   Life
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't h...   Life
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mu...   Life
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.   Life
Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. G...   Life
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.   Life
Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most rem...   Life
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as e...   Life
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year ...   Life
Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.   Life
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.   Life
Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it's fantastic.   Life
Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided y...   Life
Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, someti...   Life
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.   Life
Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go i...   Life
She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a ...   Life
Side Effects Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on th...   Life
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' bu...   Life
Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.   Life
The baby is fine, the only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Rob...   Life
The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there ma...   Life
The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain pa...   Life
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it ...   Life
The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.   Life
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get m...   Life
The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told hi...   Life
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, i...   Life
The whole country was tied together by radio. We all experienced the s...   Life
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sl...   Life
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an even...   Life
Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: freq...   Life
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.   Life
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.   Life
Tradition is the illusion of permanance.   Life
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I ...   Life
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's wo...   Life
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out ...   Life
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go bac...   Life
Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.   Life
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?   Life
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently th...   Life