What Quote » Director Quotes » Quotes by Woody Allen »

A ''Bay Area Bisexual'' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of...  
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with...  
And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into a...  
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so...  
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd c...  
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday ni...  
Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get ...  
Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama i...  
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. ...  
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.  
Eighty percent of success is showing up.  
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.  
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an...  
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly devel...  
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in...  
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happen...  
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.  
I am two with nature.   Nature
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it'...  
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of ...  
I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do i...  
I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I-I have a tende...  
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my cr...  
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve...   Funny
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.  
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally distur...  
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two ...  
I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!  
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.  
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.  
I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then ...  
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes...  
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked ...  
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile ...  
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I lo...  
I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year... for cheating on my meta...  
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. De...  
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be bea...  
I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a me...  
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard...  
I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.  
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.  
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbe...  
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.  
If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But...  
If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.  
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my j...  
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit...  
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.  
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doin...  
In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it ...  
In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into...  
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.  
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This ...  
Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.  
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry...  
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certain...  
It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty bi...  
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry ...  
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it...  
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.  
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.  
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over ...  
Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raise...  
Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has mo...  
Marriage is the death of hope.  
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.   Funny
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One p...  
More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path lea...  
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't h...  
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mu...  
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.  
Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. G...  
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.  
Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most rem...  
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as e...  
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year ...  
Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.  
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.  
Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it's fantastic.  
Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided y...  
Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, someti...  
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.  
Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go i...  
She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a ...  
Side Effects Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on th...  
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' bu...  
Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.  
The baby is fine, the only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Rob...  
The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there ma...  
The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain pa...  
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it ...  
The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.  
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get m...  
The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told hi...  
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, i...  
The whole country was tied together by radio. We all experienced the s...  
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sl...  
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an even...  
Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: freq...  
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.  
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.  
Tradition is the illusion of permanance.  
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I ...  
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's wo...  
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out ...  
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go bac...  
Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.  
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?  
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently th...