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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.   Life
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank ...   Life
Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.   Life
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore ...   Life
Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.   Life
Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, ...   Life
Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.   Politics
Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.   Life
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on pe...   Life
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which...   Life
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied...   Life
I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.   Funny
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.   Life
I drink therefore I am.   Life
I hear the tusks are looser in Alabama.   Life
I like children - fried.   Life
I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, whic...   Life
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in i...   Life
I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.   Life
I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.   Life
I never met a kid I liked.   Life
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.   Life
I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.   Life
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no p...   Success
If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.   Life
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.   Life
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.   Life
It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to ...   Life
It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.   Life
Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.   Life
My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?   Life
Never give a sucker an even break.   Life
On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.   Life
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but...   Life
Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to...   Life
Roomservice, Roomservice, don't send up any more ice.   Life
Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a gre...   Life
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothi...   Life
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.   Life
Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.   Life
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.   Funny
Stop following me, are you following me? That'll get you twelve years ...   Life
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.   Life
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to g...   Life
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by...   Life
W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on h...   Life
Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want t...   Life
You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.   Life