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"So, do you live around here often?"  
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire...  
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.  
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs ...  
Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll g...  
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.  
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.  
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?  
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he jus...  
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up ...  
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get ...  
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.  
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them i...  
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you c...  
He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? H...  
How young can you die of old age?  
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and w...  
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gif...  
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.   Funny
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to ...  
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks h...   Funny
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway inste...  
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.  
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar b...  
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now whe...  
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.  
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Informati...  
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to ...  
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the...  
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.  
I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down ...  
I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once i...  
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leav...  
I have an existential map. It has You are here written all over it.  
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all t...  
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit t...  
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me...  
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.   Funny
I invented the cordless extension cord.  
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.  
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I ...  
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if...  
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was ...  
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going...  
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.  
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now ...  
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.  
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks li...  
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much t...  
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.  
I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.  
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speedi...  
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere n...  
I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I orde...  
I was born by Caesarean section, but you can't really tell... except t...  
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So ...  
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything...  
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.  
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ra...  
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier t...  
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the g...  
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk sai...  
I went to a cafe that advertised breakfast anytime, so I ordered Frenc...  
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specif...  
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifica...  
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I order...  
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "Wha...  
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the st...  
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet...  
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If ...  
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.  
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song o...  
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...  
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.  
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.  
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract....  
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?  
If God dropped acid, would he see people?  
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?  
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their ...  
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and...  
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.  
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?  
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?  
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?  
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?  
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette whee...  
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?  
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always r...  
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room tempe...  
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just...  
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.  
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a fu...  
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything wi...  
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around a...  
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...  
My friend invented Cliff's Notes. When I asked him how he got such a g...  
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.  
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartmen...  
My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in th...  
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.  
On the other hand, you have different fingers.  
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satell...  
One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been ...  
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.  
Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.  
Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his...  
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deepe...  
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. No...  
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.  
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit sta...  
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barn...  
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty peopl...  
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore lik...  
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the...  
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.  
What's another word for Thesaurus?  
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.  
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parkin...  
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in ...  
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have a...  
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I w...  
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any fi...  
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet fo...  
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep goo...  
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.  
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy...  
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?