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A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobod...   Life
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask....   Life
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the worl...   Life
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement an...   Life
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...   Life
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive ...   Life
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.   Life
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I ...   Life
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library...   Life
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.   Life
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.   Life
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.   Life
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.   Life
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.   Life
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger...   Life
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.   Life
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brow...   Life
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being rid...   Life
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then...   Life
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.   Life
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.   Sports
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.   Life
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fa...   Life
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm comin...   Life
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.   Life
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet sh...   Life
Life is just a bowl of pits.   Life
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.   Life
Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being...   Life
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a ...   Life
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wall...   Life
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hern...   Life
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with he...   Life
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.   Life
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a frie...   Life
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion...   Life
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electri...   Life
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!   Life
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me t...   Life
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortu...   Life
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.   Life
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's ...   Life
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at ...   Life
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.   Life
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.   Life
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves...   Life
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.   Life
They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.   Life
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-...   Life
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vac...   Life
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.   Life
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told m...   Life
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.   Life
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.   Life
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should...   Life
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to...   Life
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He...   Life