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A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the r...  
A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relativ...  
After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not f...  
Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the m...  
America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was fou...  
Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of soci...  
Automobiles are free of egotism, passion, prejudice and stupid ideas a...  
Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly...  
Children from the age of five to ten should watch more television. Tel...  
Children must be considered in a divorce—considered valuable pawns in ...  
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.  
Even a band of angels can turn ugly and start looting if enough angels...  
Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the ...  
Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democ...   Government
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them...  
Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive patt...  
Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of an...  
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car ke...   Government
Gossip is what you say about the objects of flattery when they aren't ...  
Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes. And the bureaucracy must di...  
Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exc...  
I am a journalist and, under the modern journalist's code of Olympian ...  
I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a "learning experienc...  
I suppose I should get a VCR, but the only thing I like about televisi...  
If government were a product, selling it would be illegal.  
If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health,...  
If you say a modern celebrity is an adulterer, a pervert and a drug ad...  
In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, wor...  
Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on t...  
Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a ...  
Marijuana is self-punishing. It makes you acutely sensitive, and in th...  
Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.  
Never fight an inanimate object.  
Never wear anything that panics the cat.  
No drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If ...  
Politics are for foreigners with their endless wrongs and paltry right...  
Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.  
Social Security is a government program with a constituency made up of...  
Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more ...  
The Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas becau...  
The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter...   Politics
The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make ...  
The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. Thi...  
The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. I...  
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal...  
There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well ...  
There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one...  
What use is it to endure the Dutch Rubs and Indian Rope Burns that are...  
Whatever it is that the government does, sensible Americans would pref...  
When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first thing...   Politics
With Epcot Center the Disney corporation has accomplished something I ...  
You can't get rid of poverty by giving people money.