What Quote » Comedian Quotes » Quotes by Joan Rivers »

"Where there is a will there is a way." is an old true saying. He who ...  
A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo De...  
Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.  
Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.  
Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply ...  
Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. ...  
Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.  
Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.  
He who limps is still walking.  
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man g...  
I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six month...  
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.  
I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.  
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toas...  
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.  
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Ge...  
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plasti...  
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.   Funny
If we study the lives of great men and women carefully and unemotional...  
Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.  
It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.  
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.  
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of ...  
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut th...  
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group t...  
Never floss with a stranger.  
No steam or gas ever drives anything until it is confined. No Niagara ...  
Once you begin to believe there is help "out there," you will know it ...  
Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we stri...   Art
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we j...  
Suit the action to the world, the world to the action, with this speci...  
Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the sto...  
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.  
The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.  
There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.