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A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.  
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet...  
A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend-and he's a priest.  
All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking chil...  
Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declare...  
Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying...  
Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. I...  
Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile tha...  
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel ne...  
Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, ea...  
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the o...   Success
Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.   Dreams
Education is so important when it comes to domesticity. I don't know w...  
Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions th...  
For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marr...  
For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into tem...  
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. ...  
God created man, but I could do better.  
Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents...  
Great dreams... never even get out of the box. It takes an uncommon am...   Art
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.  
Have you any idea how many kids it takes to turn off one light in the ...  
House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too lon...  
Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at t...  
Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.  
How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?  
Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. ...  
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.  
I don't know when pepper mills in a restaurant got to be right behind ...  
I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignit...  
I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer...  
I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs dur...  
I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing h...  
I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after pi...  
I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother s...  
I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too...  
I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European...  
I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, "Never mind! I'll d...  
I'm trying very hard to understand this generation. They have adjusted...  
I've decided life is too fragile to finish a book I dislike just becau...  
I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their...  
I've never vied for power in the family before. Pointing a box at the ...  
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared ...  
If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.  
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in te...  
In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging fr...  
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than y...  
It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food y...  
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to...  
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.   Dreams
Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, "No, thank you,...  
Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to...  
Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It's the ...  
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live...  
Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.  
Mother's words of wisdom: "Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mou...  
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out...  
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting ...  
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch ...  
Myths that need clarification: "Everyone in California lives on a whit...  
Myths that need clarification: "No matter how many times you see the G...  
Never accept a drink from a urologist.  
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.  
Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that ...  
Never have more children than you have car windows.  
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.  
Never order food in excess of your body weight.  
No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers ...  
No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of...  
On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keepi...  
Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never th...  
One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest...  
Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.  
People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband o...  
Phrases and their actual meanings: "My teacher has never liked me." Ex...  
Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.  
Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a ...  
Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human ...  
Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back...  
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed...   Sports
The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served...  
The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effe...   Nature
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy ...  
There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, "Yes, I...  
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and trag...  
There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradis...  
There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is t...  
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning a...  
There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup w...  
What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you aske...  
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says ...  
When humor goes, there goes civilization.   Humor
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I wou...   Life
When it comes to cooking, five years ago I felt guilty "just adding wa...  
When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere f...  
Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be wh...  
Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-...  
You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, l...  
You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Famili...   Nature
Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary ...