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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick b...   Funny
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and char...   Life
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.   Life
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I ...   Life
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but ther...   Life
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them 0. So I sent the...   Life
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm goi...   Life
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.   Life
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and d...   Life
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lo...   Life
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth ...   Life
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."   Life
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.   Life
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, try...   Life
I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought ...   Life
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.   Life
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.   Life
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was ...   Life
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was respondi...   Life
I'm a great lover, I'll bet.   Life
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and ...   Life
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw...   Life
My girlfiend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, ...   Life
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so of...   Life
New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today....   Life
People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I ...   Life
People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"   Life
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder...   Life
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.   Life
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evi...   Life
Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.   Life
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had...   Life
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I ...   Forgiveness
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in...   Life
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Lit...   Life
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.   Life